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9 Let Homer Point the Way |
From Mary Celeste |
Porters
If you want a better theory for your vanished seamen
Look! There's an expert on riddles ahoy!
It's the great explorer, Herr Heinrich Schliemann
who's just rediscovered the long-lost city of Troy!
[Crowd applauds Schliemann, who takes centre stage clutching a battered book entitled Myths and Legends as he sings his boastful song to a Germanic kind of oompah melody. This Myths and Legends is the same book as that used by Briggs in Getting to the Bottom, and it will become the Captain's log-book in Doldrum Beat]
Schliemann
My father read me a story
when I was only a boy
a tale of vanishing glory
the abandoned city of Troy
So I grew up as a youth
who longed to dig for the truth
and I soon left home with the Iliad
let my silly Dad
play with my toys
[The Porters join in proudly]
Porters
With pick and shovel we wandered;
at every dig he would gauge
if this one corresponded
to Homer's words on the page
But this year we got it all right
found the original site
and solved the greatest riddle of the age
Schliemann
And so I ask you, mein' Damen und Herren
surely you must agree
Heinrich Schliemann, he is the parent
of modern archæology
[Porters exhibit a few ruinous relics, and sing dolefully while Schliemann puts on a death-mask like Agamemnon's, to sing in the persona of a wily Greek commander]
Porters
The site's not fit for a viewing
'cos Troy was shattered of course
The Greeks had plotted her ruin
and cunning conquered force
Schliemann {as Agamemnon}
"The knack of good politics
is simply flattering tricks:
So men! Snap out of your lethargy!
Make an effigy,
make a horse!"
[Porters make the trolley into a kind of Trojan horse with their surveying equipment and so forth, and trundle it to one side, where Schliemann gets into it]
Porters
The horse was god to the Trojans
they rolled their idol to town
Said all their top theologians,
"It's a tribute to Trojan renown!"
But who lay lurking inside?
took them all for a ride?
Stowaways who brought their empire down!
[Schliemann reveals himself triumphantly]
Schliemann
You know that empires
are destined to vanish
Read it in History's text:
Bye bye Romans, and bye bye Spanish:
Poor Britannia could be next!
[Patronising laughter, mixed with shock, among the Tourists. Schliemann deposits his Myths and Legends conspicuously on Mary Celeste and sings his next verse slowly and deliberately, spelling it out as if to a child]
Schliemann
'Cos you Brits are mad about shipping
the sea has given you wealth
it's all tremendously gripping,
history repeating itself;
[He gestures to the ship behind him]
this thing you worship as good
this hollow idol of wood
has blown its way through your battle-lines
and your minds
are invaded by stealth
[Immediate jingoistic response from the Tourists, who retort with sudden hostility]
Tourists
We dread no enemy nation!
No filthy foreigner's schemes!
No King of Excavation
and his mad Bavarian dreams!
[Schliemann laughs: he has been teasing]
Schliemann
Let's not quarrel so fast
just take heed of the past:
Nothing here's as simple as it seems
Porters
So let me tell you wherever we travel
Legend will have the last say
Your small riddle will soon unravel:
Let Homer point the way! Let Homer point the way!
[Porters conclude with a gesture indicating that the next number will eventually reveal a Homeric theme. Band reprises Schliemann's chorus as a tango, to get him off]