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6 Getting to the Bottom |
From Mary Celeste |
[The bell strikes and lights come up on Mary Celeste, now apparently at sea. The Crew are drunkenly wielding a large cutlass]
Crew
What shall we do to the sober Captain?
What shall we do to the sober Captain?
What shall we do to the sober Captain?
Da duddle um da da-dum!
[Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs comes angrily out on deck brandishing a book about marine protocol. He sings assertively]
Briggs
My surname it is Briggs, d'ye hear
and on this brig I'm master
My father taught me, 'Benjamin dear,
'tis drinking spells disaster!
Don't let your sailors guzzle grog,
keep sherry off your schooner ...'
So I'll get to the bottom of this fine mess
Or my middle name's not Spooner!
[The Crew reacts in a disrespectful manner]
Crew
Get to the bottom of this fine mess, he'll
Get to the bottom of this fine mess, he'll
Get to the bottom of this fine mess,
Or his Piddle name's not Mooner!
[Briggs finds a particular page in his nautical manual and walks his fingers on the deck-rail in explanation]
Briggs
My father's book records many tricks
for use on sloops and whalers:
This Deck-Rail Walk is used as a test
to weed out drunken sailors;
A sober man walks safe and sound
and that's the man I'll cherish ...
But if a man's been drinking he
will miss with his foot, and perish.
[The Crew reacts in a disrespectful manner]
Crew
But if a man's been drinking he will
But if a man's been drinking he will
But if a man's been drinking he will
piss with his foot, and merish.
[The Crew are up on their feet, lurching about; the music of the next verse is correspondingly changed to 5/4 time]
Perhaps my brains are sodden with booze
perhaps my wits are fuddled
but isn't he as drunken as we?
His merds all come out wuddled!
You claim you run the tightest ship
But when we're tight you grumble ...
Get up, you puritan, walk that rail
And let's see if you stumble!
[Back to 4/4 for an instrumental interlude while this is enacted. Briggs is first to climb on to the rail, on the downstage side of Mary Celeste; the Crew join him, with varying amounts of inebriated difficulty. Briggs leads the deck-rail walk: they disappear offstage, later to appear on the upstage rail, walking heavily, with disastrous consequences, as the Temperance League triumphantly describe]
Temperance League
So crew and Captain climbed on the rail
and teetered on the brink, sir
And when that brand-new timber did fail
they all fell in the drink, sir
Sarah & Sophia
'Alas! Papa is doomed to drown!'
Temperance League
exclaimed the wife and daughter ...
they ran to examine but Aargh! Kersplash!
They wumbled in the taughter
[The above line to be sung by the League member who has been enthusiastically investigating the Tourists' drinks; Owners make a dignified but disgusted exit]
So they're
getting to the bottom of the drink by now,
They're getting to the bottom of the drink by now,
They're getting to the bottom of the drink by now,
and that's why your schooner's empty.
[Fade deck lights; bring up dock lights. Tourists applaud the departing Temperance League]